March 1st a year ago, my granddaughter was born. I recall my helpless experience holding this tiny baby -- a feeling for me of inability.
A year and 2 days later, a baby kitten, all gray except for highlights of lighter grey bands in the light, was born. He was one of four. His previous owner was conscientious. My coming into his world was at around 9 weeks. He is adorable. He is ever so curious, as is my lovely granddaughter.
Now -- the variations in life times for me: At 22 - 28 my lifetime was built around the three boys I gave birth to. Once, two of them,only 18months apart. Their older brother born when I was 22. How did I manage? I believe, through my ignorance and reliance on instinct. Dr. Spock was a reference book after their birth. He taught me not to cuddle or hold my baby if I was in an upset state. I followed but now, at 66, that is all I recall.
Am not secure in the reason to comment above. However, now I am raising a baby kitten who I have named Baby, after the movie with Katherine Hepburn of Bringing Up Baby. He means to be cuddly except when he becomes a miniature ferocious cat to bite and use his claws to climb up your clothing or bite your arms, toes, etc.
So far we have learned not to claw but to just paw in many circumstances. While I began to say "gentle, baby" I now use STOP or AWWWL loudly to manage baby. He did learn (mostly) not to use claws.
Using not to expand claws, he substituted his teeth. Oouch! Blood!
We, baby and I, really are in love with one another. Baby sleeps by my side every night. He purrs happily when given affection. I just am crazy about his company, naughty as he seems to be----- like a kitten.
So-o-o recently he decided to tear my personal phone directory into segments, uncurl my roll of toilet paper down and spread it out across the living area and enjoy my plants fully to point of dumping them onto the floor for a better look and for much more enjoyment.
My feeling at this point about babies vs. kittens: babies are ever so lovely. Baby kittens who get stuck in kitchen drawers, unroll toilet paper, look like they want to hop onto the stove, -- dump out and even wish to sleep in a large plant -- require a different but similar mode of work than motherhood.
Monday, August 17, 2009
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Sunday of day before solstice - feel topsy turvy
Yesterday, an administrator for one of the Mcmannis establishments greeted me warmly while I was in a booth. This 20th of June was the 26th Anniversary for my next door neighbor, the Barley Mill. It is not unusual for Steve to share a warm greeting when I am there. He is not a regular hire but someone with duties of the parent administration.
What pleased me surely was when, turning down an offer for cake, he said: Oh, I know just what to give you. Shortly he returned with a perfect long stem rose (no thorns). My stay needed to be short that day yet he happened to be near the door as I was leaving and commented we would see each other at other times.
I met Steve months and months ago while next door. I did not know his role, so was taken aback a little when he came to my seat told me he understood I was a favorite of the staff. Then, even more surprised when he sat at the booth for brief conversation. Quickly I felt certain the sitting with me was purely neighbor to neighbor.
Now you may ask "why do you feel topsy turvy?" Because since the first time meeting with Steve I realized that I really liked him a lot. Several meetings followed before the Barley Mill Anniversary -- all cordial and short. Not long ago when he sat at the bar for some reason, I observed him enough to notice? (maybe) a wedding ring? My first thought was "of course he is married."
My reaction told me I liked him more than I admitted to myself on any level. I felt it was too bad yet rationalized any feelings I had were unreal, illusionary.
The rose is on display in a wine bottle. For some reason I take it wherever I take a seat in my apt. -- and to window sill in my bedroom.
Lesson? Even though a senior, the gesture of such a sweet and thoughtful exchange gives a wonderful light, as reflected that a candle or shadows crossing a sunny room to a lovely woman - me.
What pleased me surely was when, turning down an offer for cake, he said: Oh, I know just what to give you. Shortly he returned with a perfect long stem rose (no thorns). My stay needed to be short that day yet he happened to be near the door as I was leaving and commented we would see each other at other times.
I met Steve months and months ago while next door. I did not know his role, so was taken aback a little when he came to my seat told me he understood I was a favorite of the staff. Then, even more surprised when he sat at the booth for brief conversation. Quickly I felt certain the sitting with me was purely neighbor to neighbor.
Now you may ask "why do you feel topsy turvy?" Because since the first time meeting with Steve I realized that I really liked him a lot. Several meetings followed before the Barley Mill Anniversary -- all cordial and short. Not long ago when he sat at the bar for some reason, I observed him enough to notice? (maybe) a wedding ring? My first thought was "of course he is married."
My reaction told me I liked him more than I admitted to myself on any level. I felt it was too bad yet rationalized any feelings I had were unreal, illusionary.
The rose is on display in a wine bottle. For some reason I take it wherever I take a seat in my apt. -- and to window sill in my bedroom.
Lesson? Even though a senior, the gesture of such a sweet and thoughtful exchange gives a wonderful light, as reflected that a candle or shadows crossing a sunny room to a lovely woman - me.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Indefiniteness in our life and in others
Lately more thought than usual has come to mind as to words like waffling, ambivalent, hypocritical, unsure, delaying, and flip-flopping.
It may be that none of these words are as negative many infer or indicate. If we did not all allow room for new material and information we were unaware of (including our own private feeling and mind), might we be awfully narrow, shutting the door to expansive experience and heightened, better decisions?
Can't take it further other than to question the bias of flip-flopping, etc. in a negative sense, yet instructional in a practical sense of our response to different agenda or variation, improvement on a hypothesis.
In the same vein, flip flopping, waffling, indeciveness, on the fence may lead to damaging action or no action.
Something to think about as it applies to life situations we encounter.
It may be that none of these words are as negative many infer or indicate. If we did not all allow room for new material and information we were unaware of (including our own private feeling and mind), might we be awfully narrow, shutting the door to expansive experience and heightened, better decisions?
Can't take it further other than to question the bias of flip-flopping, etc. in a negative sense, yet instructional in a practical sense of our response to different agenda or variation, improvement on a hypothesis.
In the same vein, flip flopping, waffling, indeciveness, on the fence may lead to damaging action or no action.
Something to think about as it applies to life situations we encounter.
Sunday, August 3, 2008
Friendly beggars, borrowers - Antidote
After 6+ decades, it has dawned on me that to handle an individual who seeks to take advantage of a pleasant and generous nature (me), to return the favor a.s.a.p. That is, if the individual is always borrowing in some sense, do it back and see how fast that person gives to your request with studied reluctance, even, on occasion, grudgingly. However, the final conclusion to this tiny essay, is the borrower, beggar, yes, beggar, backs off! from using you as a resource to acquiring whatever the person wants. Why? You do the same back -- if a "user" the person won't want to deal with you again. Easy to tell by their restrained reluctance to fulfill a simple request identical (or close) to the persons needy request.
No confrontations, lectures or otherwise need take place. Simply treat the person in the SAME manner they "humbly" ask of you -- or humbly BEG!
There may be a little anger in this message simply because it took me a long time to learn the way to prevent reoccurance.
No confrontations, lectures or otherwise need take place. Simply treat the person in the SAME manner they "humbly" ask of you -- or humbly BEG!
There may be a little anger in this message simply because it took me a long time to learn the way to prevent reoccurance.
My living quarters are in a nice apartment that has been designated a HUD housing building in a darn nice area of Portland, Oregon, near the city proper and on an excellent bus connection.
That original intention of HUD was housing for low income seniors (55 and up). Today, it is a dustpan to collect the debris of our citizenry: the mentally disabled, the physically disabled, the people without a home (street people?), the mentally ill. Prioity is not upon the normal 55 years old and over. I believe addicted citizens are also considered, regardless of addiction(s).
Although the requirement to get accepted in this (very lovely building location and it's interior accommodations) are solid references from professional and personal people in one's life (character references) and a thorough follow up by the house manager, including checking out any felony history (not permitted in HUD are previous record of felony or sex abuse).
This is quite an introduction to my observations as a 3+ year resident. The biggest obstacles in addictiveness appears to be prescription drugs. I'd be interested in have a printout of all the frequent emergency room visits from several tenants. The crying wolf repeatedly from several to gain relief from detoxing on a substance, whether it be alcohol, downers, uppers, (acid of one sort or another) -- ///.
Finally, after these few years, it is evident that many tenants are really experienced in the con game. Similar to the shell game (actually they are ALL empty), there are tenants who are wholly experienced in conning and having the goal to twist you around their finger. Although in the con game territory of time gone by, they may have not been good enough, in this building of innocents, etc. they can feel like big, successful, artful, people - and not be reminded of the fact that all their life they were no-good's.
Recently, one tenant, who has befriended me on an again, off again occasion, found, when he acted out great distress in his leg (titanium repaired he said) and mentioned his daily use of more than the 1800 mg. of Ibruproprium(SP?), which did not help his pain, mentioned his wishing for real pain medicine (he stated the one I used recovering from major surgery). Knowing this man is not only a conner, but also an alleged alcoholic by his own admission, even had I had the morphine based medication on hand, I would not have offered it. The outcome was the agony (appearing) of his leg disappeared and he was quick to depart when I mentioned that my pain medicine is "not at all", a baby aspirin a day.
Later I had occasion to see this person who was fully within closure to any other person. I saw,
sadly, a mouth with a curled lip in his expression of staring at nothingness, similar to an attack animal.
Once the cash register, beer, cigarettes, marijuana, uppers and downers are not available, so is this person's wish to whisper in your ear "My secret is you are my friend" OR I have a secret but only to share with you,"I love you". Really, is that what we need?
I am loved, and many of the lonely souls in this building will be glad to have those expressions spoken to them; they might buy in (try to please) at any cost..
This man, may forget that the same approach to interaction was used 2 years ago. I remember.
That original intention of HUD was housing for low income seniors (55 and up). Today, it is a dustpan to collect the debris of our citizenry: the mentally disabled, the physically disabled, the people without a home (street people?), the mentally ill. Prioity is not upon the normal 55 years old and over. I believe addicted citizens are also considered, regardless of addiction(s).
Although the requirement to get accepted in this (very lovely building location and it's interior accommodations) are solid references from professional and personal people in one's life (character references) and a thorough follow up by the house manager, including checking out any felony history (not permitted in HUD are previous record of felony or sex abuse).
This is quite an introduction to my observations as a 3+ year resident. The biggest obstacles in addictiveness appears to be prescription drugs. I'd be interested in have a printout of all the frequent emergency room visits from several tenants. The crying wolf repeatedly from several to gain relief from detoxing on a substance, whether it be alcohol, downers, uppers, (acid of one sort or another) -- ///.
Finally, after these few years, it is evident that many tenants are really experienced in the con game. Similar to the shell game (actually they are ALL empty), there are tenants who are wholly experienced in conning and having the goal to twist you around their finger. Although in the con game territory of time gone by, they may have not been good enough, in this building of innocents, etc. they can feel like big, successful, artful, people - and not be reminded of the fact that all their life they were no-good's.
Recently, one tenant, who has befriended me on an again, off again occasion, found, when he acted out great distress in his leg (titanium repaired he said) and mentioned his daily use of more than the 1800 mg. of Ibruproprium(SP?), which did not help his pain, mentioned his wishing for real pain medicine (he stated the one I used recovering from major surgery). Knowing this man is not only a conner, but also an alleged alcoholic by his own admission, even had I had the morphine based medication on hand, I would not have offered it. The outcome was the agony (appearing) of his leg disappeared and he was quick to depart when I mentioned that my pain medicine is "not at all", a baby aspirin a day.
Later I had occasion to see this person who was fully within closure to any other person. I saw,
sadly, a mouth with a curled lip in his expression of staring at nothingness, similar to an attack animal.
Once the cash register, beer, cigarettes, marijuana, uppers and downers are not available, so is this person's wish to whisper in your ear "My secret is you are my friend" OR I have a secret but only to share with you,"I love you". Really, is that what we need?
I am loved, and many of the lonely souls in this building will be glad to have those expressions spoken to them; they might buy in (try to please) at any cost..
This man, may forget that the same approach to interaction was used 2 years ago. I remember.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Humpty Dumpty Sat on A Wall...couldn't put...together again
This week my experience observing, and overhearing, in part, a soldier was moving and sad. Although we exchanged no words, I sat at an outdoor table having a brew while he sat about 150 feet away by himself at another table. He kept a bottle of pinkish wine and glass, a salad and a big, hot sandwich in front of him. The soldier (think I heard "black beret") took an extraordinary amount of time to begin consuming food and drink. He talked audibly but not understandably all through the time I was there. He did actually eat a little at a time with long pauses.
The man is very large in size, gray haired on long side, mentioned to someone German, Polish. No idea of the reference other than possible use of both languages.
Why so tragic? Learned from proprietor he fought in two wars. (Vietnam and Iraq) The remnants of the whole man are only that: remnants. He continually carried on a dialogue producing tears from himself, wiping his eyes, wiping his hands on his clothing. The fourth day I saw the same scene, always near 5:oo p.m. The fifth day I decided to avoid the establishment in early evening. I was moved at the damage to one individual active combat. The soldier is no threat to anyone -- that is clear -- except himself from the ravages of war, now in his own personal war.
The first time he appeared, his iron gray hair was unkept -- grimy -- tangled. The second evening his hair was combed -- otherwise no change. The last evening his hair was clean, combed, and his clothes looked fresh.
We acknowledged on another's presence with tacit nods. His face has black areas above the cheeks and on the forehead - also very dark circles on this caucasian soldier's face.
The experience described above brings to mind that a collosal number of soldiers may actually go through symbolic erasure of their ego. From my view (not new) this first hand experience clarifies the ineffectiveness of war to individuals. \
Why the hell don't we fight and sweat and spend collosal investments on relations and relationships of world leadership before spending far more fighting physically with sophisticated missiles, guns, soldiers, et. al. to no good end. Talk not to make gestures at coming to an understanding, but converse to reach reliable compromise and understanding requiring TRUST.
Sacrificed worldwide are villages, towns, cities, countryside; children, family structure, wholeness of a body and mind, whether civilian or soldier. The increased cost is almost insurmountable when we attempt to put everything, especially humans, back together in some satisfactory way. Doubtful that it will ever be wholly satisfactory.
It strickens me enough to write... it's too painful to go to the cafe again in the evening. And, I am not a part of any of that real life horror.
The man is very large in size, gray haired on long side, mentioned to someone German, Polish. No idea of the reference other than possible use of both languages.
Why so tragic? Learned from proprietor he fought in two wars. (Vietnam and Iraq) The remnants of the whole man are only that: remnants. He continually carried on a dialogue producing tears from himself, wiping his eyes, wiping his hands on his clothing. The fourth day I saw the same scene, always near 5:oo p.m. The fifth day I decided to avoid the establishment in early evening. I was moved at the damage to one individual active combat. The soldier is no threat to anyone -- that is clear -- except himself from the ravages of war, now in his own personal war.
The first time he appeared, his iron gray hair was unkept -- grimy -- tangled. The second evening his hair was combed -- otherwise no change. The last evening his hair was clean, combed, and his clothes looked fresh.
We acknowledged on another's presence with tacit nods. His face has black areas above the cheeks and on the forehead - also very dark circles on this caucasian soldier's face.
The experience described above brings to mind that a collosal number of soldiers may actually go through symbolic erasure of their ego. From my view (not new) this first hand experience clarifies the ineffectiveness of war to individuals. \
Why the hell don't we fight and sweat and spend collosal investments on relations and relationships of world leadership before spending far more fighting physically with sophisticated missiles, guns, soldiers, et. al. to no good end. Talk not to make gestures at coming to an understanding, but converse to reach reliable compromise and understanding requiring TRUST.
Sacrificed worldwide are villages, towns, cities, countryside; children, family structure, wholeness of a body and mind, whether civilian or soldier. The increased cost is almost insurmountable when we attempt to put everything, especially humans, back together in some satisfactory way. Doubtful that it will ever be wholly satisfactory.
It strickens me enough to write... it's too painful to go to the cafe again in the evening. And, I am not a part of any of that real life horror.
Saturday, March 22, 2008
Seeming Popularity of the Position of the Cosmos
Intermittently over the years since 14 or 16 years of age, I've been interested in astrology. The main reason for such interest, aside from a natural desire to know one's future, was that such interest was an unwritten TABOO of Mom's. Reminds me of the song with words "My mother she said don't put beans in your ears...."
Today, with the advent of internet and the apparent surging acceptance of checking one's astrology daily on internet or the newspaper, I have indulged (with boredom often) in reading one day's predictions of a large number of astrological signs and sources on the internet. They are written in the mode of only talking to YOU, the reader. Naturally, the reader is lulled into believing that what is read is for them personally (not thousands, even millions of individuals worldwide). Often the messages are similar to cards that contain various messages and are shuffled and redistributed, each message simply scrambled up and used repeatedly.
Conclusion: look for what you want to hear - good or doom - you'll find it under astrology or horoscope on the internet each day. What you want you will probably find, though you may have to read quite a few before you get reassured that "you were right on". Regrettably, the pattern of checking out your horoscope daily can become a habit, morning routine, or an addiction.
Embarrasing - I should say so. In a generation of more educated people, taught to think for themselves, it seems that the abra-cadabra is still a capitivating attention getter. Do not like thinking of our young generation believing they can't start their day without checking out their prediction. Might it influence the individual's behavior on those days? This is actually a valid thought for all ages who catch on to the magic of one's horoscope or their childrens' or their friend or spouse. I so hope my statements here are out of proportion to the reality of real life substance not the abra-cadabra of astrology.
P.S. Reading as many as I do on regular basis, my thought is that our planets seem darn unstable with giant mood swings (according to the cosmos that I'm reading in terms of astrology) -- much like a bi-polar disorder, daily. This also includes the INFLUENCE (so called) of the moon and the sun's position in whichever of the 12 signs it sits.
Am presently ready to quit this examination of the cosmos, having as written, formed my opinion of the validity of the subject. INVALID.
Today, with the advent of internet and the apparent surging acceptance of checking one's astrology daily on internet or the newspaper, I have indulged (with boredom often) in reading one day's predictions of a large number of astrological signs and sources on the internet. They are written in the mode of only talking to YOU, the reader. Naturally, the reader is lulled into believing that what is read is for them personally (not thousands, even millions of individuals worldwide). Often the messages are similar to cards that contain various messages and are shuffled and redistributed, each message simply scrambled up and used repeatedly.
Conclusion: look for what you want to hear - good or doom - you'll find it under astrology or horoscope on the internet each day. What you want you will probably find, though you may have to read quite a few before you get reassured that "you were right on". Regrettably, the pattern of checking out your horoscope daily can become a habit, morning routine, or an addiction.
Embarrasing - I should say so. In a generation of more educated people, taught to think for themselves, it seems that the abra-cadabra is still a capitivating attention getter. Do not like thinking of our young generation believing they can't start their day without checking out their prediction. Might it influence the individual's behavior on those days? This is actually a valid thought for all ages who catch on to the magic of one's horoscope or their childrens' or their friend or spouse. I so hope my statements here are out of proportion to the reality of real life substance not the abra-cadabra of astrology.
P.S. Reading as many as I do on regular basis, my thought is that our planets seem darn unstable with giant mood swings (according to the cosmos that I'm reading in terms of astrology) -- much like a bi-polar disorder, daily. This also includes the INFLUENCE (so called) of the moon and the sun's position in whichever of the 12 signs it sits.
Am presently ready to quit this examination of the cosmos, having as written, formed my opinion of the validity of the subject. INVALID.
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