Indefiniteness in our life and in others

Lately more thought than usual has come to mind as to words like waffling, ambivalent, hypocritical, unsure, delaying, and flip-flopping.

It may be that none of these words are as negative many infer or indicate. If we did not all allow room for new material and information we were unaware of (including our own private feeling and mind), might we be awfully narrow, shutting the door to expansive experience and heightened, better decisions?

Can't take it further other than to question the bias of flip-flopping, etc. in a negative sense, yet instructional in a practical sense of our response to different agenda or variation, improvement on a hypothesis.

In the same vein, flip flopping, waffling, indeciveness, on the fence may lead to damaging action or no action.

Something to think about as it applies to life situations we encounter.

Friendly beggars, borrowers - Antidote

After 6+ decades, it has dawned on me that to handle an individual who seeks to take advantage of a pleasant and generous nature (me), to return the favor a.s.a.p. That is, if the individual is always borrowing in some sense, do it back and see how fast that person gives to your request with studied reluctance, even, on occasion, grudgingly. However, the final conclusion to this tiny essay, is the borrower, beggar, yes, beggar, backs off! from using you as a resource to acquiring whatever the person wants. Why? You do the same back -- if a "user" the person won't want to deal with you again. Easy to tell by their restrained reluctance to fulfill a simple request identical (or close) to the persons needy request.

No confrontations, lectures or otherwise need take place. Simply treat the person in the SAME manner they "humbly" ask of you -- or humbly BEG!

There may be a little anger in this message simply because it took me a long time to learn the way to prevent reoccurance.

My living quarters are in a nice apartment that has been designated a HUD housing building in a darn nice area of Portland, Oregon, near the city proper and on an excellent bus connection.

That original intention of HUD was housing for low income seniors (55 and up). Today, it is a dustpan to collect the debris of our citizenry: the mentally disabled, the physically disabled, the people without a home (street people?), the mentally ill. Prioity is not upon the normal 55 years old and over. I believe addicted citizens are also considered, regardless of addiction(s).

Although the requirement to get accepted in this (very lovely building location and it's interior accommodations) are solid references from professional and personal people in one's life (character references) and a thorough follow up by the house manager, including checking out any felony history (not permitted in HUD are previous record of felony or sex abuse).

This is quite an introduction to my observations as a 3+ year resident. The biggest obstacles in addictiveness appears to be prescription drugs. I'd be interested in have a printout of all the frequent emergency room visits from several tenants. The crying wolf repeatedly from several to gain relief from detoxing on a substance, whether it be alcohol, downers, uppers, (acid of one sort or another) -- ///.

Finally, after these few years, it is evident that many tenants are really experienced in the con game. Similar to the shell game (actually they are ALL empty), there are tenants who are wholly experienced in conning and having the goal to twist you around their finger. Although in the con game territory of time gone by, they may have not been good enough, in this building of innocents, etc. they can feel like big, successful, artful, people - and not be reminded of the fact that all their life they were no-good's.

Recently, one tenant, who has befriended me on an again, off again occasion, found, when he acted out great distress in his leg (titanium repaired he said) and mentioned his daily use of more than the 1800 mg. of Ibruproprium(SP?), which did not help his pain, mentioned his wishing for real pain medicine (he stated the one I used recovering from major surgery). Knowing this man is not only a conner, but also an alleged alcoholic by his own admission, even had I had the morphine based medication on hand, I would not have offered it. The outcome was the agony (appearing) of his leg disappeared and he was quick to depart when I mentioned that my pain medicine is "not at all", a baby aspirin a day.

Later I had occasion to see this person who was fully within closure to any other person. I saw,
sadly, a mouth with a curled lip in his expression of staring at nothingness, similar to an attack animal.

Once the cash register, beer, cigarettes, marijuana, uppers and downers are not available, so is this person's wish to whisper in your ear "My secret is you are my friend" OR I have a secret but only to share with you,"I love you". Really, is that what we need?

I am loved, and many of the lonely souls in this building will be glad to have those expressions spoken to them; they might buy in (try to please) at any cost..

This man, may forget that the same approach to interaction was used 2 years ago. I remember.

Humpty Dumpty Sat on A Wall...couldn't put...together again

This week my experience observing, and overhearing, in part, a soldier was moving and sad. Although we exchanged no words, I sat at an outdoor table having a brew while he sat about 150 feet away by himself at another table. He kept a bottle of pinkish wine and glass, a salad and a big, hot sandwich in front of him. The soldier (think I heard "black beret") took an extraordinary amount of time to begin consuming food and drink. He talked audibly but not understandably all through the time I was there. He did actually eat a little at a time with long pauses.

The man is very large in size, gray haired on long side, mentioned to someone German, Polish. No idea of the reference other than possible use of both languages.

Why so tragic? Learned from proprietor he fought in two wars. (Vietnam and Iraq) The remnants of the whole man are only that: remnants. He continually carried on a dialogue producing tears from himself, wiping his eyes, wiping his hands on his clothing. The fourth day I saw the same scene, always near 5:oo p.m. The fifth day I decided to avoid the establishment in early evening. I was moved at the damage to one individual active combat. The soldier is no threat to anyone -- that is clear -- except himself from the ravages of war, now in his own personal war.

The first time he appeared, his iron gray hair was unkept -- grimy -- tangled. The second evening his hair was combed -- otherwise no change. The last evening his hair was clean, combed, and his clothes looked fresh.

We acknowledged on another's presence with tacit nods. His face has black areas above the cheeks and on the forehead - also very dark circles on this caucasian soldier's face.

The experience described above brings to mind that a collosal number of soldiers may actually go through symbolic erasure of their ego. From my view (not new) this first hand experience clarifies the ineffectiveness of war to individuals. \

Why the hell don't we fight and sweat and spend collosal investments on relations and relationships of world leadership before spending far more fighting physically with sophisticated missiles, guns, soldiers, et. al. to no good end. Talk not to make gestures at coming to an understanding, but converse to reach reliable compromise and understanding requiring TRUST.

Sacrificed worldwide are villages, towns, cities, countryside; children, family structure, wholeness of a body and mind, whether civilian or soldier. The increased cost is almost insurmountable when we attempt to put everything, especially humans, back together in some satisfactory way. Doubtful that it will ever be wholly satisfactory.

It strickens me enough to write... it's too painful to go to the cafe again in the evening. And, I am not a part of any of that real life horror.

Seeming Popularity of the Position of the Cosmos

Intermittently over the years since 14 or 16 years of age, I've been interested in astrology. The main reason for such interest, aside from a natural desire to know one's future, was that such interest was an unwritten TABOO of Mom's. Reminds me of the song with words "My mother she said don't put beans in your ears...."

Today, with the advent of internet and the apparent surging acceptance of checking one's astrology daily on internet or the newspaper, I have indulged (with boredom often) in reading one day's predictions of a large number of astrological signs and sources on the internet. They are written in the mode of only talking to YOU, the reader. Naturally, the reader is lulled into believing that what is read is for them personally (not thousands, even millions of individuals worldwide). Often the messages are similar to cards that contain various messages and are shuffled and redistributed, each message simply scrambled up and used repeatedly.

Conclusion: look for what you want to hear - good or doom - you'll find it under astrology or horoscope on the internet each day. What you want you will probably find, though you may have to read quite a few before you get reassured that "you were right on". Regrettably, the pattern of checking out your horoscope daily can become a habit, morning routine, or an addiction.

Embarrasing - I should say so. In a generation of more educated people, taught to think for themselves, it seems that the abra-cadabra is still a capitivating attention getter. Do not like thinking of our young generation believing they can't start their day without checking out their prediction. Might it influence the individual's behavior on those days? This is actually a valid thought for all ages who catch on to the magic of one's horoscope or their childrens' or their friend or spouse. I so hope my statements here are out of proportion to the reality of real life substance not the abra-cadabra of astrology.

P.S. Reading as many as I do on regular basis, my thought is that our planets seem darn unstable with giant mood swings (according to the cosmos that I'm reading in terms of astrology) -- much like a bi-polar disorder, daily. This also includes the INFLUENCE (so called) of the moon and the sun's position in whichever of the 12 signs it sits.

Am presently ready to quit this examination of the cosmos, having as written, formed my opinion of the validity of the subject. INVALID.

" I think that is the nicest thing ever said to me!"

The title line is flattering, complimentary -- but repeated , word for word to me 3 months, 6 months, 12 months later, it might be more real to say "that is among the nicest things ever said to me. Thank you" The fourth time it was said to me by same person speaking the same words used here in the title, I thought it pretty phony. Our visits are months apart.

An afternote: "I think that is the nicest thing ever said to me" over a minor compliment, indicates the person is saying they have a lot of deprivation now and always, and are needy.

Recall of a Comment

One easy time talking with my son, he pointed out that it is easier to be crazy than to be sane. Andrew's sentence comes to mind as it applies to expectations we perceive are required of us, even unpleasant chores or unrewarding labor. Some of us realize it is easier getting high than to deal with what we'd like to avoid, or to work for an important end - or worse yet, not have an important end, but one day to day humdrum responsiblity. You, the reader, will be able to think of more applications of "It's easier to be __________ than to be _________.

A conclusion may be that our life is full of stuff we would like to avoid. Sometimes we make excuses, such as pretending to be sick or getting high which can end by giving us a crummy feeling simply to avoid what we believe will be distasteful or even dreaded.

The upturn is, life experience can show us an outlet for endeavors or studies that really get our attention, interest and feelings giving repeated positive pleasure, even if some yuk is necessary to meet that end. True, we must look for the door to go through. With luck we'll see the where we want to go.
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Trust

The most valuable and rarest relationships are based on trust, demonstrated over and over again. Conviction of such a quality is, for me, the most meaningful and fulfilling quality in friendship, kinship, and romance. In short, trust breeds love --at least for me.